"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27 (NIV)
As the appointment to return to Sunnybrook and meet with my surgeon/oncologist at the Odette Cancer Centre is only hours away, I have found myself growing anxious. This appointment will reveal more information, and the next steps in this journey to healing will be discussed. The other morning I was praying that the Lord would give me a verse for this next stage as I walk the road I am travelling, and the above verse is the one He provided through my friend Glynnis. The devotional that accompanied this scripture passage spoke to the "what if's" that often threaten to steal our peace. (You can read the article here: Facing the "What If's" with Courage.) Through Glynnis encouragement, I am telling Satan he has no place here and asking the Lord to cover my mind with the blood of Jesus. His peace passes understanding.
This last week has definitely marked much progress, although I am still very tired. As most of you know, the staples have now all been removed...over 40...and my family doctor gave me a prescription for cream to begin scar massage. This daily visual reminder of all that has happened, and all that is yet to come, is difficult to handle some days, but God is helping my heart process and accept as I trust in Him. There's just so much I never imagined would touch my life...not that I felt my life was immune, I just didn't dream it would be me.
To those of you who have called, emailed, and expressed desire to visit...I love you all so much, just don't have a lot of energy to respond to your messages or enjoy a visit longer than about 20 minutes. It's not that I don't want to see you, but the calls and requests are so many and I wish I had strength to see you all. Quite honestly, up until this point, only about three friends, outside of family, have made it in past my front door. My guys are being watchful, caring gate-keepers. Also, to those of you requesting I do things right now or make plans for the upcoming months, I'm just not ready to commit to anything at this point. I don't know the treatment that is to come or how my body will react and I don't want to carry the weight of disappointing you or letting you down. I'm sorry if I don't have the freedom to take anything else on at this time. I know your hearts are in the right place and you only want to encourage me with opportunities to look forward to, but right now making those types of decisions is overwhelming. Please understand.
Sunday marked a milestone as I made it out to church for the first time since the surgery. It was wonderful to share in a time of worship with my "family". My heart was so encouraged, but the outing completely drained me, and I spent the remainder of the day resting. I've also managed to get outside for some short walks. I try to walk at least an hour a day, but do so in segments. The weather this week looks conducive to fresh air, so I hope to spend some more time soaking up the sun.
Many days I feel very useless around here. It has been four weeks since the surgery, and I have another four, by Dr's orders, to do nothing. It's very hard depending on others for everything. My twin sister, Japhia, has been my "right hand". She comes weekly to clean, do laundry, run any errands...she has been so helpful. Others have delivered meals and what a blessing that has been for the entire family. When Gord arrives home from work all he has to do is heat a prepared, delicious dinner in the oven...thank you for helping and ministering to all of us in this way.
The past two days I have actually clothed myself in something other than a fresh pair of jammies after my shower in the morning. This too is a huge step forward. This dressing brings with it a desire to start living again. The secluded sanctuary of home has been a haven for regaining health, but baby steps need to start happening so that I don't become a hermit. It's very easy to allow cancer to build a cocoon. This little butterfly needs to spread her wings again and soar.
Please pray for wisdom and discernment for any decisions that will need to be made today as my husband and I meet with the surgical team. Pray for God's peace and presence to fill me as I walk into this cancer centre for the first time. Pray that the best course of treatment will be suggested for my care and cure and that my body is being prepared to handle, receive and be completely healed of this cancer. Thanks for standing with me. I know I don't walk into today alone.
Love and hugs to you all.
PS. We have received more emails concerning the inability to leave comments. We have changed the settings again. Anyone should be able to post a comment if they desire. PLEASE let us know if you are unable to do so and we will try to find our setting error. Thanks.